


Drink ‘till he’s... you?

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-29
Updated: 2009-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:10:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3501317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They all decide to drink until they think they’re someone else, or at least that’s the plan.<br/>(Turns out, this was really hard to write)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drink ‘till he’s... you?

**Author's Note:**

> **Toki:** I wants to drinks til I t'inks I'ms Skwisgaar!  
>  **Skwisgaar:** Ja, well I'lls drinks til I ams t'inks I ams Pickle!  
>  This was what someone wrote in a comment that inspired this:  
>  **Pickles:** Dood, I'll drink til I think I'm sober. Like Ahfdensen.  
>  **Charles:** ...If I were forced to be involved in this, I suppose I would drink until I thought I was Nathan and could actually get any of you to listen to me.  
>  **Nathan:** Huh. Well, I'd drink til I thought I was... uh... Murderface. That'd be brutal.  
>  **Murderface:** Fuck you! Scho I've gotta drink til I think I'm Toki?!  
>  **Charles:** *sigh* Why not? Then you'd at least own all the Planet Piss domain names on the internet.
> 
> _...And that’s just what they did. Large amounts of alcohol later, here’s how it turned out for them:_

Toki stood up, swaying a little. He had a crushed beer can smushed onto his belt as an improvised skull buckle. Hey, it was metallic at least. “I has to go fucks old ladies now, I’s way behind schedule. And I has to practice my guitars while I does it, because I ams the fastest and if I pays much attention to the old ladies then I throws up.”  
Charles, who had decided that imitating Nathan meant yelling a lot, stopped him. “TOKI, SIT BACK DOWN! THERE’S UM, NO OLD LADIES TONIGHT!”  
Clearly relieved, Toki flopped back onto the couch, rooting between the cushions for another beer.

Pickles was barely conscious, his attempts to drink himself sober had so far been a failure. He just slumped in his seat, muttering random unrelated Ofdensen phrases. “Dude... Chop chop... I tried... record...” They all ignored him.  
Nathan was staring deep into his beer. “I should like, go kill myself. Yeah. I mean, kill _myshelf_. Because... _becussh_ izth brutal? Man, your lisp sucks. _Scthucks_ , I mean..”  
Murderface glared at him. “Schrew you.” What would Toki say? “Um... give me schome candy.”  
Nathan glared back. “I could just piss on you. _Pizsch_ on you, I mean.”

Charles looked at his fake self (Pickles) for help, but he was too out of it. But wait, the whole reason he was being Nathan was so they’d listen to him... “NO PISSING ON PEOPLE ALLOWED! THAT’S UNSANITARY! AND GROSS!”  
Skwisgaar, who was really drunk in his attempt to be Pickles, raised his bottle. “Tanks you for dat. Dude.” He started patting his pockets. “Now where did I put dat cocaines....”  
They waited to see if he actually had any, but he quickly lost interest and quit looking.  
Well, this was a weird way to spend an evening.

Suddenly, Murderface stood up. To everyone’s horror, he unzipped his fly and-  
Stuck an empty beer bottle in it. “Look, I have a codpiece. Except it’sch really a schtrap-on dildo, and I use it to fuck my assch when I go to bed.”  
They all stared at him in assorted degrees of horror. Toki couldn’t say anything in his own defense because he was being Skwisgaar.  
“Dude, thet’s naught cool. Ya should....” Pickles trailed off, then recovered his character. “Ya should treat each other with respect. What Toki does with his codpiece in none of yer buisness.”  
“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!” Charles yelled helpfully.

That could have been the end, but that’s when Toki (Skwisgaar) and Murderface (Toki) really got into it. Toki jumped up, standing over him. “Well you can’t play! You’s just dildos and I erases everything you records because you sucks so bad!”  
Murderface jumped up leaning forward menacingly. “Oh yeah? Well I’m a guitarischt too! You can juscht schuck my dick! Oh wait, you already do that!”  
The others were watching nervously now, they didn’t seem to be playing anymore.  
Toki wasn’t backing down at all. “Pfft. You’s never goings to be as goods as me, and I’ll never lets you forgets it!”

That’s when Murderface threw a punch, this was too much like what he had to hear anyway. Toki ducked it, then essentially tackled him. The others watching weren’t sure if he did it on purpose or if he just lost his balance. Either way, they both went down and the fight was on.  
Charles jumped up. “Guys, this isn’t acceptable, come on, stop!” They paid him no mind. Reverting to Nathan-mode, he tried again. “HEY! STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!”  
To his immense surprise, they listened. There was a little blood, but neither seemed to have done real damage. Yet.  
Still, this shit needed to stop now.

Well, it was probably best to keep being Nathan for the moment. “ENOUGH! GO TO BED, EVERYBODY JUST GO TO BED!”  
Pickles waved weakly from his seat. “Fer tha record... I can’t walk.”  
Murderface climbed to his feet, flipped all of them off, and stalked out of the room.  
Skwisgaar made an uncharacteristic attempt to help Toki up, but was so drunk that he merely fell down as well, landing on him.  
Toki just rolled his eyes and lay where he was.

Nathan got up. “Hey. You guys want help up? No? Fine, I’m going to bed.” He too left the room.  
Charles, deciding that all threats were past and that he was really, really drunk, also headed off to bed. He would most likely regret this in the morning, he wasn’t used to this heavy drinking.  
Pickles simply passed out where he was. Klokateers would check on him periodically throughout the night to make sure he was fine. They were quite familiar with this duty.  
Toki was going to get up and go to bed, he was drunk and really tired, but Skwisgaar was still on top of him. “Skwisgaar! Gets the fucks off me!” He shoved at one thin shoulder, with little effect.

Skwisgaar was out of it. Trying to be Pickles took a lot of work. A lot of alcohol, whatever. Although not particularly soft or comfortable, Toki was warm.   
And although heavy and bony, Skwisgaar was warm. This wasn’t so bad, kind of like being covered in... a sleeping bag full of rocks, maybe. Okay, it wasn’t so good either.  
When Skwisgaar, barely conscious, gave a small sigh and nestled down more comfortably, Toki just couldn’t push him away. Well, sleeping on the floor wouldn’t kill him, and it would be worth it to see Skwisgaar’s expression in the morning.  
Toki put his arms around his now-sleeping band mate, and drifted off as well.


End file.
